I've been pretty personal on here lately, but I figure, you know, why not? So I've got problems - who doesn't? Tonight's topic is obsession. Really, it's "obsessing", but obsession sounds so much creepier.
I obsess about things, particularly about relationships. I do this about work, about my family, about money, about everything. However, relationships are the most likely to send my mental anxiety processes ramping into overdrive. This is not my favorite thing about myself, and at times I have found it practically debilitating.
An example would be when my mom died. I would start to think about her and it would feel like every sad feeling I had about her loss was crashing in on me, along with an acute awareness of every moment I would want her with me when she wouldn't be (marriage, kids, etc.). It wasn't there and then all of a sudden it was, all of it, so quickly that I couldn't seem to do anything about it until it was so overwhelming that all I could do was cry.
Other bouts of anxiety manifest differently. It can be checking my email every two minutes or working for 12-14 hours when I start to freak out about how much I have to do. I have a hard time sleeping. This has all improved since I started taking anti-anxiety meds.
I was initially very hesitant to take that step. I had hit a kind of low point in my emotional life, and I was increasingly frustrated by my inability to manage all this anxiety all the time. I was really worried though. I didn't want them to make me stupid. Really, that was my concern. I didn't want to be a stupid zombie. I took the plunge and honestly, the results had a large influence on my decision to stay in SC.
After clearing out the cobwebs, I could see that the things that were bothering me would be true just about anywhere, and that many of the things that made me happy were here. I still feel all the stuff I felt before, just slower, in a way that I can handle. The analogy that makes the most sense to me is a train. Before it was like the train was headed straight for me, and it was coming so quickly that I had no time to get out of the way before it just ran me over. Now I can see the train as it's coming. It's still there, but now I have time to get out of the way.
The ability to slow it down and deal with it has allowed me to see something that I never really understood before. Obsession is about fear and control. When something is important to you, you can get hurt. That makes me scared, and then I want to manage the situation. I want people to do what I want or at the very least know exactly what they're going to do so that I can plan for it. I feel out of control. I am out of control in the sense that whatever is going on, I cannot control it, and so I obsess about it until control is restored.
A lot of these habits I think are a result of my family dynamic growing up, but as a biologist, I also think it's part of my personality and a consequence of my brain chemistry. How I handle it though is up to me, and I've been trying to really focus on what's bothering me at any given moment, really think about whether or not it's something I can control, and then if it's not, trying to let go and think about other stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I'm not sure why I wanted to write this, maybe just to get it out. Maybe because I used to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it and I guess I'm not anymore. Everybody's got issues, and at least I'm trying to deal with and take responsibility for mine.
I obsess about things, particularly about relationships. I do this about work, about my family, about money, about everything. However, relationships are the most likely to send my mental anxiety processes ramping into overdrive. This is not my favorite thing about myself, and at times I have found it practically debilitating.
An example would be when my mom died. I would start to think about her and it would feel like every sad feeling I had about her loss was crashing in on me, along with an acute awareness of every moment I would want her with me when she wouldn't be (marriage, kids, etc.). It wasn't there and then all of a sudden it was, all of it, so quickly that I couldn't seem to do anything about it until it was so overwhelming that all I could do was cry.
Other bouts of anxiety manifest differently. It can be checking my email every two minutes or working for 12-14 hours when I start to freak out about how much I have to do. I have a hard time sleeping. This has all improved since I started taking anti-anxiety meds.
I was initially very hesitant to take that step. I had hit a kind of low point in my emotional life, and I was increasingly frustrated by my inability to manage all this anxiety all the time. I was really worried though. I didn't want them to make me stupid. Really, that was my concern. I didn't want to be a stupid zombie. I took the plunge and honestly, the results had a large influence on my decision to stay in SC.
After clearing out the cobwebs, I could see that the things that were bothering me would be true just about anywhere, and that many of the things that made me happy were here. I still feel all the stuff I felt before, just slower, in a way that I can handle. The analogy that makes the most sense to me is a train. Before it was like the train was headed straight for me, and it was coming so quickly that I had no time to get out of the way before it just ran me over. Now I can see the train as it's coming. It's still there, but now I have time to get out of the way.
The ability to slow it down and deal with it has allowed me to see something that I never really understood before. Obsession is about fear and control. When something is important to you, you can get hurt. That makes me scared, and then I want to manage the situation. I want people to do what I want or at the very least know exactly what they're going to do so that I can plan for it. I feel out of control. I am out of control in the sense that whatever is going on, I cannot control it, and so I obsess about it until control is restored.
A lot of these habits I think are a result of my family dynamic growing up, but as a biologist, I also think it's part of my personality and a consequence of my brain chemistry. How I handle it though is up to me, and I've been trying to really focus on what's bothering me at any given moment, really think about whether or not it's something I can control, and then if it's not, trying to let go and think about other stuff. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I'm not sure why I wanted to write this, maybe just to get it out. Maybe because I used to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it and I guess I'm not anymore. Everybody's got issues, and at least I'm trying to deal with and take responsibility for mine.
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