Well, I've been spouting self-pitying nonsense on Facebook for weeks now and it's 1:45 AM and I'm supposed to "get up" to go to Conway tomorrow at 7:30. So essentially, I'm at the point where I just need to get some stuff out. I'm not feeling good about my life right now. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and move on, but self-pity has been creeping in a lot too.
So, to let it out: I feel like a failure lately. I know there are so many things in my life that people would look at and see as success, but the things that really matter to me aren't going so well. I'm not sure why I seem capable of managing the little stuff while completely screwing up the stuff that's actually important. To list: 1) family and relationships, 2) education, 3) financial security and independence.
I want a family. I always have, and while many of my friends who don't actually care about this have been in relationships for going on 10 years now, I am single, once again. I'm 28 with no hope of a husband or babies in sight. I have heard all the babble about how if you stop looking you'll find it, you have to be happy with yourself first, blah, blah, blah, so please, no well-meaning platitudes. I just always thought I'd be in a really different place right now. This is exacerbated by the fact that I recently found out that my ex-husband's new wife is pregnant, a fact that fills me with joy and congratulations, but also makes me relive every bit of that divorce failure feeling. I did the long-distance thing, badly, for two plus years, and gave up on that (shout-out to TJ). Then I met someone who lives near me (+1), who I could talk with for hours (+1), who was into family, etc. (+1). I tried to take it slowly, but honestly, it felt so functional I couldn't help but get my hopes up. Needless to say, it didn't work out, for once due to something other than my previously chronic inability to be happy. Is life trying to pay me back for all the unhappiness I dealt to other people? I find myself simultaneously wondering when it's going to work out for me, and would it really be so bad to just give up on finding the complementary "other" and go about my own business? It's not what I want, but I'm tired.
Education: I'm stalled. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I want the PhD, but I'm not currently willing to move to get it. I'm in this amazing job where I could be getting all the skills that PhD students get, but I know that I need the structure of a degree program to get my @ss in gear. I don't put my hand in the air nearly as often as I should, partially because I don't feel like I should be taking the lead on things away from people (like, I'm just a paid tech...), and part of it is that I feel the same pressure I always do that I shouldn't put my hand up unless I'm CERTAIN I can handle the task and handle it well. This means I tend to take fewer risks and stick to the things I know I can do. While I know you never learn this way, there's something about being a student that allows me to give myself permission to do things badly, at least the first time. But I don't know what kind of degree I want, how far away I'm willing to move to get it, what I'd do with it once I was finished, or anything else. I look at myself and I think, you're 28 - how can you still lack such fundamental self-awareness?
Financial security and independence: This is a big life fail for me. I am in debt, lots o' debt. I don't even want to talk about it, I'm so embarassed by my fundamental inability to handle something so basic. I have a plan to get out of it. I have a budget. I am doing the right things, but the hole I'm in is quite deep and sometimes I just get discouraged. I know I can fix this one, I just have to give it time. It's just so demoralizing. Every month the bills come and every month I feel terrible all over again. I'll be glad when some of the recent financial changes I've made (living with a roommate, etc.) start to have some effect. I really need to see that something I'm doing is working.
So that's it, in a nutshell. I have a great apartment, a dog I love who loves me back, a good relationship with my nephew and a better relationship with my dad and sister than I've ever had, good friends, a stable income. So how is it possible to still feel like I'm doing everything wrong?
Also, I miss my mom sooooo much. Whenever things got like this before, I'd put my head on her lap and she'd stroke my hair. You really don't realize how awkward it would be for anyone else to do that until you lose the one person who could do it and have it feel totally comfortable.
So, to let it out: I feel like a failure lately. I know there are so many things in my life that people would look at and see as success, but the things that really matter to me aren't going so well. I'm not sure why I seem capable of managing the little stuff while completely screwing up the stuff that's actually important. To list: 1) family and relationships, 2) education, 3) financial security and independence.
I want a family. I always have, and while many of my friends who don't actually care about this have been in relationships for going on 10 years now, I am single, once again. I'm 28 with no hope of a husband or babies in sight. I have heard all the babble about how if you stop looking you'll find it, you have to be happy with yourself first, blah, blah, blah, so please, no well-meaning platitudes. I just always thought I'd be in a really different place right now. This is exacerbated by the fact that I recently found out that my ex-husband's new wife is pregnant, a fact that fills me with joy and congratulations, but also makes me relive every bit of that divorce failure feeling. I did the long-distance thing, badly, for two plus years, and gave up on that (shout-out to TJ). Then I met someone who lives near me (+1), who I could talk with for hours (+1), who was into family, etc. (+1). I tried to take it slowly, but honestly, it felt so functional I couldn't help but get my hopes up. Needless to say, it didn't work out, for once due to something other than my previously chronic inability to be happy. Is life trying to pay me back for all the unhappiness I dealt to other people? I find myself simultaneously wondering when it's going to work out for me, and would it really be so bad to just give up on finding the complementary "other" and go about my own business? It's not what I want, but I'm tired.
Education: I'm stalled. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I want the PhD, but I'm not currently willing to move to get it. I'm in this amazing job where I could be getting all the skills that PhD students get, but I know that I need the structure of a degree program to get my @ss in gear. I don't put my hand in the air nearly as often as I should, partially because I don't feel like I should be taking the lead on things away from people (like, I'm just a paid tech...), and part of it is that I feel the same pressure I always do that I shouldn't put my hand up unless I'm CERTAIN I can handle the task and handle it well. This means I tend to take fewer risks and stick to the things I know I can do. While I know you never learn this way, there's something about being a student that allows me to give myself permission to do things badly, at least the first time. But I don't know what kind of degree I want, how far away I'm willing to move to get it, what I'd do with it once I was finished, or anything else. I look at myself and I think, you're 28 - how can you still lack such fundamental self-awareness?
Financial security and independence: This is a big life fail for me. I am in debt, lots o' debt. I don't even want to talk about it, I'm so embarassed by my fundamental inability to handle something so basic. I have a plan to get out of it. I have a budget. I am doing the right things, but the hole I'm in is quite deep and sometimes I just get discouraged. I know I can fix this one, I just have to give it time. It's just so demoralizing. Every month the bills come and every month I feel terrible all over again. I'll be glad when some of the recent financial changes I've made (living with a roommate, etc.) start to have some effect. I really need to see that something I'm doing is working.
So that's it, in a nutshell. I have a great apartment, a dog I love who loves me back, a good relationship with my nephew and a better relationship with my dad and sister than I've ever had, good friends, a stable income. So how is it possible to still feel like I'm doing everything wrong?
Also, I miss my mom sooooo much. Whenever things got like this before, I'd put my head on her lap and she'd stroke my hair. You really don't realize how awkward it would be for anyone else to do that until you lose the one person who could do it and have it feel totally comfortable.
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