In the grand tradition of narcissistic 20-something bloggers (I've got one more year to use that title, so I'm doing it), I am going to blab about something deeply personal that is frustrating the hell out of me.
Two Fridays ago, I hated myself more than anyone else on the planet. I had some stuff going on, and it was one of those things where how I was feeling was embarrassing and would have been difficult to explain, but like 90% of my bad days, it was relationship related. The self-loathing part is when I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate that I'm so weak as to feel something that would be impossible to say out loud to even my closest friends. I hate having emotions that, were I to see them in someone else, would make me deeply dislike that person.
Much like everything else emotionally, I am coming to recognize that these days happen, and they pass, and I just have to wait a little while to feel like myself again. However, despite the rarity of these days, I find them particularly destructive to the kinds of changes I've been making in my life. See, self-loathing comes with a whole slew of other negative emotions that are much harder to keep in perspective when you're feeling like something that should be living under a rock. And I know that people like happy people, and admitting that all this is going on in my head is socially questionable, but I don't think it's that rare, so why not cop to it?
For me, it starts when someone does something crappy to me. I am developing the healthy fuck you attitude that a very wise ex told me I needed more of, but I'm only at about 70%. There's this niggling little voice in my head that still says, if you weren't such a wimp, people wouldn't treat you this way. You let them do it; that's why it keeps happening. Therefore, you deserve what you get. That is so destructive because once you start to believe you deserve for people to treat you badly, you lose the self-efficacy to change things. If that's what you deserve, then standing up for yourself seems futile at best.
I also wonder where this comes from. On the days when I'm feeling down, why do I automatically put the blame on myself? Why not hate the other person? If I can blame myself for the things other people do, why can't I also accept my own ability to make decisions and change the situation? Why so one-sided, dear self?
And I know that other people deal with similar issues, whether they call it "self-loathing" or not, because on the days when this little drama is playing out in my head, I often make bad decisions. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I've lost control. I know lots of people who feel like they're in a bad situation they lack the power to change, who feel like they deserve what's coming to them, whether they do or not. People who let themselves get walked on because they think they can't expect better. So this leads me to wonder, what got them to that point? Why are there so many of us who lack such a basic belief in ourselves?
Not to go all Pollyanna, but most of the people I know who act this way are really good people who somehow feel like everyone else knows something they don't. I don't think that's true. I think we're all struggling and the days when I feel like that, the only thing that I've figured out helps is to be around my friends. To see people who see the good in me, who also struggle, and who fuck up just as much as I do. If these awesome people love me, who am I to doubt them?
Two Fridays ago, I hated myself more than anyone else on the planet. I had some stuff going on, and it was one of those things where how I was feeling was embarrassing and would have been difficult to explain, but like 90% of my bad days, it was relationship related. The self-loathing part is when I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate that I'm so weak as to feel something that would be impossible to say out loud to even my closest friends. I hate having emotions that, were I to see them in someone else, would make me deeply dislike that person.
Much like everything else emotionally, I am coming to recognize that these days happen, and they pass, and I just have to wait a little while to feel like myself again. However, despite the rarity of these days, I find them particularly destructive to the kinds of changes I've been making in my life. See, self-loathing comes with a whole slew of other negative emotions that are much harder to keep in perspective when you're feeling like something that should be living under a rock. And I know that people like happy people, and admitting that all this is going on in my head is socially questionable, but I don't think it's that rare, so why not cop to it?
For me, it starts when someone does something crappy to me. I am developing the healthy fuck you attitude that a very wise ex told me I needed more of, but I'm only at about 70%. There's this niggling little voice in my head that still says, if you weren't such a wimp, people wouldn't treat you this way. You let them do it; that's why it keeps happening. Therefore, you deserve what you get. That is so destructive because once you start to believe you deserve for people to treat you badly, you lose the self-efficacy to change things. If that's what you deserve, then standing up for yourself seems futile at best.
I also wonder where this comes from. On the days when I'm feeling down, why do I automatically put the blame on myself? Why not hate the other person? If I can blame myself for the things other people do, why can't I also accept my own ability to make decisions and change the situation? Why so one-sided, dear self?
And I know that other people deal with similar issues, whether they call it "self-loathing" or not, because on the days when this little drama is playing out in my head, I often make bad decisions. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I've lost control. I know lots of people who feel like they're in a bad situation they lack the power to change, who feel like they deserve what's coming to them, whether they do or not. People who let themselves get walked on because they think they can't expect better. So this leads me to wonder, what got them to that point? Why are there so many of us who lack such a basic belief in ourselves?
Not to go all Pollyanna, but most of the people I know who act this way are really good people who somehow feel like everyone else knows something they don't. I don't think that's true. I think we're all struggling and the days when I feel like that, the only thing that I've figured out helps is to be around my friends. To see people who see the good in me, who also struggle, and who fuck up just as much as I do. If these awesome people love me, who am I to doubt them?
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