Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. ~Debi (Grosse Point Blank)

I’ve been a complete pain in the ass lately. I can admit it, and I’m not really sorry about it either. I’m going through something profound right now. Someone used that word last night to describe my predicament, and it was pretty validating. It’s okay if I’m crazy right now – crazy things are happening!

More specifically: I doubt if anyone who reads this blog doesn’t already know about what’s up with my dad, but just in case… He had a massive stroke almost a month ago, and he’s in a rehab hospital in Walterboro right now. He has some spontaneous speech, but most of what he says is nonsense. He understands most of what we say, but it has to be explained multiple times if it’s something hard to do or that involves a lot of details or steps. His entire right side is paralyzed. His recovery progress has been slow, which is frustrating. He’s also only 58. My mom died last year when she was barely 54. I’m 28, and it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders.

I think I’d be having a quarter-life crisis (thanks Zach Braff for making sure people know what I mean by that) even if all this stuff with my family wasn’t going on. I feel adrift, without an anchor or a center. I’m not sure how most people do this whole adulthood thing. Maybe not feeling lost is about just deciding what your center will be, and constructing a life around that. For me, that anchor has always been people, family. Now I’m in a position where I’m the anchor, the one who has to make decisions and choices and be dependable. I’m trying to find a new anchor, some stake that I can claim and feel good about because as emo as it sounds, I’ve just been feeling like I’m taking up space lately, like nothing I’m doing is making a difference. Now I’m trying to figure out how you decide that something’s important enough to be a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Is it enough that it’s important to you, or does it need to matter to other people too?

So the quarter life crisis is in full swing, but on top of that, I’m dealing with the parental death issue. People keep telling me how young I am, but when your parents are facing the end of their lives at roughly double your age, a quarter-life crisis quickly becomes a mid-life crisis. I feel like I only have one life, and I’m wasting it.

This all comes across as so whiny, but at some point, doesn’t everyone struggle with this, with wondering what it all means? Why are we so ashamed of feeling lost?

Despite not being ashamed of feeling adrift, it’s not exactly a sensation I enjoy either. So I’m taking stock, trying to figure out where I am, so I’ll know how to maybe get somewhere else.

Things in my life that are good:

1. Financial independence. I have an apartment and a car and a laptop and all the food I can eat.
2. My friends. And I need to start acting like it. This is the only part of all this I feel bad about. I’ve been a mess. I’m still a mess, and my friends have been so good to me throughout all of it. They have listened to my angst; given great advice, pep talks, and hugs. It’s okay for me to be a mess, but I need to try to be a better friend despite what’s going on with me.

Things in my life that are in need of improvement:

1. Debt. I’m digging out, but progress still feels far too slow.
2. Family. I’m still struggling with this one. It’s not that having a family is bad; it’s not that I don’t love them. It’s just that my relationships with all of them aren’t where I’d like them to be, and I don’t really have a family of my own.

Things that I am ambivalent about:

1. I love to read, be outside, knit and crochet, try out new places to eat, write, explore good music. I have a plenty of activities that can fill up my time, but none of them are things that are important enough to me to get me out of bed. I love music, but I’m not a musician. I like to write, but I’ve never published anything. I do a lot of crafting, but I don’t design things. There’s a lot of consuming, but no producing. I see other people with passions for these kinds of things, and for them, it’s like a spark, but for me, I’m left cold. None of them mean enough to me to be the center that I’m looking for. After I do them, I feel happy, but not fulfilled, not like I just accomplished anything.
2. I have a job. It’s a good job and it’s a hell of a lot easier than a lot of other people’s jobs. Nobody is shooting at me, and I don’t have to scrub toilets or anything. I feel stressed out a lot, but in general, it’s pretty good. Alternately, I wish it mattered more. I think what we study is interesting, but it doesn’t really seem to be affecting any kind of change.
3. I’m single. I think maybe that’s what I need right now, but I can’t say I like it. I do better when I’m in relationships because it gives me something to focus on other than myself. That’s why being alone might be a good thing – because it will force me to focus on “me stuff.” But I know I want a family. I want to be part of a semi-functional, sufficiently happy, family unit. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t something I can “do” anything about. It will either happen, or it won’t.

So that’s where I stand. Suggestions on how to whip this life into shape are welcome. There’s clearly a lot of potential here, but I feel like I’m not maximizing it.