Tonight has been described as Peace Corps Eve by the training staff here, and honestly, it doesn't so much feel like Christmas Eve as it does like a night of terror. My life is about to change in this way that I can't even imagine, and while I'm happy, there are a lot of other things going on too. There don't seem to be words to express the combination of things that are churning in my gut. Excitement and anxiety, and all the emotions that go along with them, are rumbling around and bubbling up like a nice hot stew. Beam your happy thoughts my way because I need them!
I met my new therapist last week. I test drove a few, and she was the one that stuck. She seems like she's not going to let me get by with any bullshit, and she said a couple of things that zinged me in our very first meeting. That was unexpected, delightful, and now, with time to think about it, terrifying. I've been doing so much soul searching lately, so much careful consideration of my life and where I am - you'd think I'd be finding myself, but instead I feel so completely lost. A few reasons: 1. I sabotage relationships in a really predictable way. I had always thought of this behavior in one way, but with one sentence, this woman last week made me question everything I thought about that. It's good to question it; it's what I wanted, but to be confronted so quickly by something that I had never considered is frightening. I've spent so much time trying to figure this stuff out, and it turns out that I've been so completely wrong about ...
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I'm going to keep checking to see what kind of exciting adventures you're having!
As I told you previously, I am incredibly envious of this adventure of yours. And though you say you are terrified, I have no doubt you will create for yourself a wonderful experience. As some say, we create our own reality. So envision friends instead of foes, banquets instead of botulism (sorry--my attempt at something resembling poetry) and enjoy!