This is the summer of Operation Fresh Start, and all I can say is, it's about damned time. At the end of July, I'm moving to Virginia. This wasn't an easy decision, as my family is here, my friends are here, and as much as people hate it, I like Columbia, *gasp*. But there's a great job there, good music, foothills, and of course, the fresh start.
Columbia and I have been dancing around each other for 10 years now. I went to college here(twice), got married and divorced here, taught at 3 different venerable institutions, and lived in 5 different neighborhoods. My group of friends has changed, from undergrad to grad, from married to single, and pre and post Nicaragua. There are times I have loved my life here, and times I have hated it. These were the best of times. These were the worst of times.
I think though, that it might be time to have my best and worst times somewhere else. The hope for a fresh start is always that what lies ahead is better than what you're leaving behind. You'll do things differently this time. You'll stop running into ex-boyfriends, stop having to deal with the co-worker that makes you want to stab your own eyes out with a spoon, stop being reminded of all the stupid things you did that one time in that place with those people. For me personally, this has always kind of smacked of running away. Fleeing from your problems and starting over seems like a great idea, until you're in a new place with the same old you.
Having done this once before (Nicaragua!), I can say that this time around, I'm more excited, and I think more realistic about what a fresh start looks like. I also have the comfort of empirical research to back me up. I can provide references if you like, but they all come from sources like Criminal Behaviour and Psychology.
It turns out that you get to be both the new and the old you, all at the same time:
It's true that you mostly stay who you are. Some research shows that personality is pretty set by age 3. The next big threshold of sameness is about 30, and then we get really boring after age 50. You will notice that 30 and 50 are milestone ages in terms of our culture, which probably explains a good bit of this personality stasis. In your 20s, you're going to college, starting jobs, getting married, having kids. Then you're an adult. Then you retire. Even when personality does change, there are key features that stay the same. If you're a worrier, you'll probably stay a worrier. If you're laid back and easy going, you're probably going to stay that way.
However, your personality is also engaged with your surroundings in a lot of ways. First, everyone has what are called situational adaptations, meaning that you change all the time based on the setting and who else is around. So moving to a new place provides an instant change due to new situations. On a larger scale though, people tend to choose activities and people that reinforce their personalities. For example, if you're a dominant, aggressive person, you might choose a job in which you must be dominant and aggressive to succeed. Your personality allows you to succeed, and reinforces your personality tendencies. This kind of feedback loop happens all the time, with your job, with friends, with family. It's a kind of systems approach to personality. It's why we change so much in our 20s - we're choosing the systems we are going to inhabit. We are picking our feedback loops. Once we're settled in, personality changes less because we change fewer things about our lives.
Moving to a new place lets you choose new systems. Maybe your old life reinforced something in you that you didn't like. In your new digs, you can make a conscious effort to choose systems that don't reward those behaviors, and that reinforce preferred behaviors. It's exactly why individuals who get out of prison and go back to their old neighborhoods and lives have high recidivism rates. It's hard to change yourself when everybody around you expects you to be the same as you were before. So when expectations are removed, when the feedback loops are broken, you can make change more easily.
So Charlottesville is going to be my new situation, and I've got high hopes for picking some new systems. I am inevitably going to meet new annoying co-workers, probably get a new ex-boyfriend or two, and I will still be an anxious over-analyzer. However, I've got some changes in mind too. Some goals for doing some things better. I think Operation Fresh Start is going to be a success. Keep you posted.
Columbia and I have been dancing around each other for 10 years now. I went to college here(twice), got married and divorced here, taught at 3 different venerable institutions, and lived in 5 different neighborhoods. My group of friends has changed, from undergrad to grad, from married to single, and pre and post Nicaragua. There are times I have loved my life here, and times I have hated it. These were the best of times. These were the worst of times.
I think though, that it might be time to have my best and worst times somewhere else. The hope for a fresh start is always that what lies ahead is better than what you're leaving behind. You'll do things differently this time. You'll stop running into ex-boyfriends, stop having to deal with the co-worker that makes you want to stab your own eyes out with a spoon, stop being reminded of all the stupid things you did that one time in that place with those people. For me personally, this has always kind of smacked of running away. Fleeing from your problems and starting over seems like a great idea, until you're in a new place with the same old you.
Having done this once before (Nicaragua!), I can say that this time around, I'm more excited, and I think more realistic about what a fresh start looks like. I also have the comfort of empirical research to back me up. I can provide references if you like, but they all come from sources like Criminal Behaviour and Psychology.
It turns out that you get to be both the new and the old you, all at the same time:
It's true that you mostly stay who you are. Some research shows that personality is pretty set by age 3. The next big threshold of sameness is about 30, and then we get really boring after age 50. You will notice that 30 and 50 are milestone ages in terms of our culture, which probably explains a good bit of this personality stasis. In your 20s, you're going to college, starting jobs, getting married, having kids. Then you're an adult. Then you retire. Even when personality does change, there are key features that stay the same. If you're a worrier, you'll probably stay a worrier. If you're laid back and easy going, you're probably going to stay that way.
However, your personality is also engaged with your surroundings in a lot of ways. First, everyone has what are called situational adaptations, meaning that you change all the time based on the setting and who else is around. So moving to a new place provides an instant change due to new situations. On a larger scale though, people tend to choose activities and people that reinforce their personalities. For example, if you're a dominant, aggressive person, you might choose a job in which you must be dominant and aggressive to succeed. Your personality allows you to succeed, and reinforces your personality tendencies. This kind of feedback loop happens all the time, with your job, with friends, with family. It's a kind of systems approach to personality. It's why we change so much in our 20s - we're choosing the systems we are going to inhabit. We are picking our feedback loops. Once we're settled in, personality changes less because we change fewer things about our lives.
Moving to a new place lets you choose new systems. Maybe your old life reinforced something in you that you didn't like. In your new digs, you can make a conscious effort to choose systems that don't reward those behaviors, and that reinforce preferred behaviors. It's exactly why individuals who get out of prison and go back to their old neighborhoods and lives have high recidivism rates. It's hard to change yourself when everybody around you expects you to be the same as you were before. So when expectations are removed, when the feedback loops are broken, you can make change more easily.
So Charlottesville is going to be my new situation, and I've got high hopes for picking some new systems. I am inevitably going to meet new annoying co-workers, probably get a new ex-boyfriend or two, and I will still be an anxious over-analyzer. However, I've got some changes in mind too. Some goals for doing some things better. I think Operation Fresh Start is going to be a success. Keep you posted.
Comments
To something and not away from. . ."
best of luck to both of us in the brave new world of our choosing!