This blog has become exactly the kind of blog I hate. Ones where people just whine about themselves all the time. I'm kind of going through some stuff right now, so I'm okay with it. Also, if I was getting married, or had kids, or whatever, I would be talking about that. I don't have any of that stuff, so it's just me.
Hence the mopage today. I really do think I'm doing this wrong, and by this, I think I mean life in general. I think it's easy to confuse my desire for a family with a desire for a boyfriend. I don't need a man to make me feel better about myself. I don't feel like I'm a bad person because I don't have a boyfriend. What I do feel is that I want a family.
I want people in my house. I want noise and negotiation. I want traditions and plans for Labor Day. I want people to cook for and someone to make breakfast on Sunday. I want people to sit on my porch with and talk about absolutely nothing. I don't think this desire is unnatural.
I've also considered that maybe I have a family, one of friends and acquaintances, and maybe I'm just being an ass and don't see it. I don't think our society here lends itself to the kinds of relationships I want though. In Nicaragua, people just sat around together. They placed a premium on friendship and family that I think is absent here. People work and work and work, and when they have time left, they do things together. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing with people, and in our society, the people you can do nothing with are either your family or people who live with you.
The reason I think I'm doing it wrong is because other people seem to have developed the kinds of relationship I'm talking about, despite the fact that our society doesn't lend itself to them. There's some piece of the puzzle I'm missing, maybe some ability to overcome my own work-a-holic-ness. It could also be that I guard my time too closely. I don't like to have too many expectations on me. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but it creates barriers between me and other people. If no one expects you to show up to things, they either stop asking or they just don't care when you don't show up.
Maybe I do this out of the same control issues that screw with everything else. I can't control how often other people will want me around, and I feel like there must be a limit. I'm not good at judging where those limits are, so I almost always overstay my welcome. I hate that feeling of rejection, even if I know it's not personal. So I avoid it.
Of course, it was also recently pointed out to me that I can be selfish and dismissive, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's a combination of all of these. Either way, I take full responsibility. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me because I have no plans for Labor Day. However, I'm not sure how to make the changes that will improve the situation. I'm at a bit of a loss, and so I guess this blog is like the equivalent of me walking up to normal people and going, "Excuse me, but how do I be a functional person?"
Hence the mopage today. I really do think I'm doing this wrong, and by this, I think I mean life in general. I think it's easy to confuse my desire for a family with a desire for a boyfriend. I don't need a man to make me feel better about myself. I don't feel like I'm a bad person because I don't have a boyfriend. What I do feel is that I want a family.
I want people in my house. I want noise and negotiation. I want traditions and plans for Labor Day. I want people to cook for and someone to make breakfast on Sunday. I want people to sit on my porch with and talk about absolutely nothing. I don't think this desire is unnatural.
I've also considered that maybe I have a family, one of friends and acquaintances, and maybe I'm just being an ass and don't see it. I don't think our society here lends itself to the kinds of relationships I want though. In Nicaragua, people just sat around together. They placed a premium on friendship and family that I think is absent here. People work and work and work, and when they have time left, they do things together. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing with people, and in our society, the people you can do nothing with are either your family or people who live with you.
The reason I think I'm doing it wrong is because other people seem to have developed the kinds of relationship I'm talking about, despite the fact that our society doesn't lend itself to them. There's some piece of the puzzle I'm missing, maybe some ability to overcome my own work-a-holic-ness. It could also be that I guard my time too closely. I don't like to have too many expectations on me. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but it creates barriers between me and other people. If no one expects you to show up to things, they either stop asking or they just don't care when you don't show up.
Maybe I do this out of the same control issues that screw with everything else. I can't control how often other people will want me around, and I feel like there must be a limit. I'm not good at judging where those limits are, so I almost always overstay my welcome. I hate that feeling of rejection, even if I know it's not personal. So I avoid it.
Of course, it was also recently pointed out to me that I can be selfish and dismissive, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's a combination of all of these. Either way, I take full responsibility. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me because I have no plans for Labor Day. However, I'm not sure how to make the changes that will improve the situation. I'm at a bit of a loss, and so I guess this blog is like the equivalent of me walking up to normal people and going, "Excuse me, but how do I be a functional person?"
Comments
I have never known you to overstay your welcome - actually, you understay your welcome with us - we would like to have you more. We don't do much more exciting that sit on the porch and watch the animals, or at best, roam around the pasture with a beer in hand taking satisfaction in the fact that the goats are eating the prickers, but if you are game for that kind of entertainment, we would love to have you along. We'd be cool with a tradition of Sunday evening dinners with Denise (because hey, you'd bring one thing with you which would be different that what we usually eat) especially if you're totally cool with the idea that no particular entertainment will be provided other than general observation of the animals and commentary on the minutae of the day. We like you. We would enjoy more time with you. You're always welcome to come on over for dinner. Tomorrow, or Monday. Just show up. I had such a family growing up in NY. I still don't understand why they included me, but boy am I glad they did. I don't love my "real" family any more, but I also love my "choosen family" just as much.
"Choosen family" are family just as much as DNA family (and at least you know they like you....)
come on over! B, P, M and L.