I've been thinking a lot lately about communication in relationships, by which I mean any kind of meaningful human interaction, be it friendship or romance, family, or even something like roommates.
It seems like one of those things that has to be in just the right balance, and that balance depends on each person's communication preferences, as well as the relationship that the two people have. It's so variable - how do you ever know if you're getting it right until you've already erred?
The way I see it, there can be too much communication or not enough. I'll tackle not enough first. What if, for what seem like very good reasons, one or both people stop communicating about stuff that's pretty important to them? What if they know something that will hurt the other person, but it's not their place to tell them? What if they know saying something won't help a situation and might only damage the relationship? Maybe the communication stops because of something less "reasonable," like hurt feelings or just feeling invalidated? What if one of you knows the other person just really doesn't want to know?
Who's losing out in this situation? The person who's bottling things up? That person now no longer feels completely comfortable in the relationship. They are always holding back and that seems like it could hurt the trust that is necessary for any type of lasting relationship. Via that route, the other person is being hurt too because now they don't get all the facts and they lose out on the possibility of a truly open friendship / whatever with the other person.
Alternatively, it seems possible to have too much communication. A friend told me recently that there's a difference between honesty and being thoughtlessly blunt. I agree completely, but the lines may be in different places for different people. If you always tell everything then eventually things will come out that hurt, but is that relationship better off for it, or is it just damaged by saying things in the moment instead of after careful consideration? How much is too much?
The issue really seems to be when what's enough (or even not enough) for one person is too much for the other. What happens then? Who gives? It seems difficult for me to understand how the situation can be resolved without one or both parties feeling slightly abused by the whole thing. One person is suffering the confidences of another when they really don't want to, may not be able to handle the information, etc. The other person may be aware of this, which makes them recalcitrant to open up in the future. It just seems like no one wins.
Given all that, is this something that two people just have to match up on, or is this one of those things that can be negotiated? When you meet someone, can you tell by initial conversation that you're sharers of equal enthusiasm or restraint? And if you're not, is that relationship forfeit from the beginning? What if an initially promising relationship changes (as they all do), and the communication needs of the parties changes?
I think this is such a big issue for me because communication is such a key part of my life and who I am. I mean, I'm writing this, right? I'm a get it all out there on the table kind of person, and I find situations where I can't do that to be really emotionally stressful. I also find it difficult when I find out that others are holding back for whatever reason. I've been pondering this a lot, and as you can see, I still have far more questions than answers, and I'm beginning to wonder if there are actual answers at all, or if each of us muddles through the best we can, piecemeal, with each new interaction providing a new challenge.
Mostly I'm struggling with how much I share of myself in relationships, be they friendships or otherwise. How much do you put yourself out there? How much do you hold back? What if there is a really good reason for holding back, even if it's difficult? How do you hold back and still feel like you're being yourself? I wish I had more ideas and fewer questions. The very nature of these questions makes them difficult to discuss with the people most directly effected by the outcomes, and so I am stuck without answers, hoping that the correct path will become clearer as time passes and situations progress.
It seems like one of those things that has to be in just the right balance, and that balance depends on each person's communication preferences, as well as the relationship that the two people have. It's so variable - how do you ever know if you're getting it right until you've already erred?
The way I see it, there can be too much communication or not enough. I'll tackle not enough first. What if, for what seem like very good reasons, one or both people stop communicating about stuff that's pretty important to them? What if they know something that will hurt the other person, but it's not their place to tell them? What if they know saying something won't help a situation and might only damage the relationship? Maybe the communication stops because of something less "reasonable," like hurt feelings or just feeling invalidated? What if one of you knows the other person just really doesn't want to know?
Who's losing out in this situation? The person who's bottling things up? That person now no longer feels completely comfortable in the relationship. They are always holding back and that seems like it could hurt the trust that is necessary for any type of lasting relationship. Via that route, the other person is being hurt too because now they don't get all the facts and they lose out on the possibility of a truly open friendship / whatever with the other person.
Alternatively, it seems possible to have too much communication. A friend told me recently that there's a difference between honesty and being thoughtlessly blunt. I agree completely, but the lines may be in different places for different people. If you always tell everything then eventually things will come out that hurt, but is that relationship better off for it, or is it just damaged by saying things in the moment instead of after careful consideration? How much is too much?
The issue really seems to be when what's enough (or even not enough) for one person is too much for the other. What happens then? Who gives? It seems difficult for me to understand how the situation can be resolved without one or both parties feeling slightly abused by the whole thing. One person is suffering the confidences of another when they really don't want to, may not be able to handle the information, etc. The other person may be aware of this, which makes them recalcitrant to open up in the future. It just seems like no one wins.
Given all that, is this something that two people just have to match up on, or is this one of those things that can be negotiated? When you meet someone, can you tell by initial conversation that you're sharers of equal enthusiasm or restraint? And if you're not, is that relationship forfeit from the beginning? What if an initially promising relationship changes (as they all do), and the communication needs of the parties changes?
I think this is such a big issue for me because communication is such a key part of my life and who I am. I mean, I'm writing this, right? I'm a get it all out there on the table kind of person, and I find situations where I can't do that to be really emotionally stressful. I also find it difficult when I find out that others are holding back for whatever reason. I've been pondering this a lot, and as you can see, I still have far more questions than answers, and I'm beginning to wonder if there are actual answers at all, or if each of us muddles through the best we can, piecemeal, with each new interaction providing a new challenge.
Mostly I'm struggling with how much I share of myself in relationships, be they friendships or otherwise. How much do you put yourself out there? How much do you hold back? What if there is a really good reason for holding back, even if it's difficult? How do you hold back and still feel like you're being yourself? I wish I had more ideas and fewer questions. The very nature of these questions makes them difficult to discuss with the people most directly effected by the outcomes, and so I am stuck without answers, hoping that the correct path will become clearer as time passes and situations progress.
Comments
lunch on Tues? Here's to planning to get together, even when you don't have anything you necessarily have to talk about.
I think we put ourselves out there too easily and then get upset when we get hurt by people we really don't know well. Hence, being a bit guarded is a good thing and it leaves a bit of mystery for later down the line:)
Plus, not all relationships are meant to last. Most are just acquintances where you hang out every once in awhile or work with (have had many of those). This doesn't really require a true knowing of each other, unless you feel a connection to this person. Usually you follow a certain decorum, especially at work, unless you work in a really relaxed environment and relationships get blurred.
Some relationships are more friendly and outgoing. You get to know these people fairly well and enjoy their company, but you don't necessarily give them all of you because you don't know when it will bite you in the ass.
Then there are even fewer true friendships because these are really special since they take time to establish and usually can withstand the 'true' you when it comes out: the good (work, friends and true), the bad (friends and true) and the ugly (true). You know you have true friends when they can deal with all facets of you and still love you in the end:)