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Refrain

When I was married to Olivier, I was really unhappy.  Depressed, unsure of who I was, not sure how to find out, in over my head doing things that were unsatisfying and leading to dead ends and more places I didn't want to be.  I was miserable, and only part of it had to do with Olivier.  We'd get in these fights, and he'd say, "Why can't you just be happy?"  His voice was pleading, laden with confusion and anguish.  As my husband, he thought it was his job to make me happy, and if I wasn't, then surely it was all his fault.  Our marriage was part of the problem, but it was symptom, not cause.  I had a lot to figure out.

I'm much happier now.  Even when I hate my job, there's value in what I do and what I'm learning.  My family always seems to be on the brink of disaster and I often feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, like if I let the tension out, I wouldn't know how to pick everything back up again.  But I also don't cry every day now, and I feel like I'm better at being me.  I've embraced a lot of the things I used to dislike about myself and learned how to reign them in or use them for good (mostly), and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good adult impression, even if I do fuck up royally every now and again.  

I asked a friend tonight, "What am I doing wrong?" because of course, in my mind, when you identify a problem, you pick it apart, try to understand it, then make an informed choice.  Yes, it's trying to apply logic to emotion, etc., but all the progress I've made above is due to this desire to FIX IT, so I've decided it's one of those things about myself I'm going to accept and try to use judiciously.  But back to the central quandary:  Are there other things about me I could work on?  (Of course, but you know, I need a priority list...)  Are they things I just choose to accept about myself and live with the consequences or are they things I really want to change?  

The friend's advice:  You are a do-er, and maybe you need to be more of a be-er.  Just be happy.  I know you're happy, but I also know that something's always bothering you.  

Hearing this made me shut down.  It was like this wall went up on all sides.  Because how awful is it to hear the same thing about yourself at 30 that you heard over and over at 24?  Especially when you know you're so much happier and more satisfied with your life?  What do I have to do to prove to people that I'm happy?  Never be sad?  Never mind anything?  Never express any of the negative feelings I have about anything?  Sometimes that's how it feels.  It's that same feeling I used to have when I believed that I had to be perfect on the outside, that I had to be happy all the time or people wouldn't like me.  I kept it all inside and I was miserable.  

I have discovered though, that people like happy people, and I think even when I'm happy, I'm not happy enough.  I am apparently a miserable, grumpy human being, and sometimes I want to never leave the house again and never try to engage with people and never make a friend or flirt with a boy because ultimately I'm just a miserable person who everyone will get sick of dealing with, and then I'll still be alone, but this time it will be completely my fault because I'm JUST NOT HAPPY ENOUGH.  Even in a lesser sense, it kind of confirms for me that if I let people see who I really am, they won't like me because me is not simple and happy and I have real problems goddammit.  But really, why subject other people to me?  Why should you, the entire world, have to deal with my curmudgeonliness, my stubborn determination to root out the smallest possible annoyances?  

I dunno.  I kind of think I'm interesting.  And I kind of think I get things done.  And I also think that I have lot's of other redeeming qualities.  But somehow it always comes back to, Why can't you just be happy?   How happy is happy enough?  And happy enough for who?  Happy enough for me or happy enough for other people?

Comments

Jessica said…
OMG. The person who said that to you just wasn't seeing the whole picture. You can be incredibly happy - exhaustingly happy even! You have happy and sad just like the rest of us. You just feel things intensely, and that's part of what makes you so fun and interesting. Eventually, you will be in a position to surround yourself with people who love your intensity - be it happy or not. I hope to be there.
May 26, 2011 at 6:50 PM
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