I'm still thinking, but some truth while it's on my mind. Twice this weekend people were kind of shitty to me, and twice this weekend, I didn't do anything to deserve it. I would say the opposite actually, which is why this has the potential to sting and destroy what has otherwise been a terrific couple days. When you treat people well, you expect to be treated well. There's a tendency to self-blame.
But here's the thing. The single best thing you can do for yourself is remember that bad behavior is the responsibility of the person who did it. It's not my fault these people did what they did, it's theirs. Now if I let them do it again, then I get to blame me. But not until then.
Which leads to the other reason you might self-blame for someone else being a jerk. There's this sense that people need to be on their guard and protect themselves and if someone hurts you, it's because you made this mistake in trusting them not to. I think on some level that's true. That's why you don't get into the car with strangers - it's unlikely they'd kill you, but the consequence if they do is pretty high. Probably you shouldn't fall in love with a stranger for the same reason. I've had some broken hearts that have felt like death. But are the risks of extending friendship as high? I hope not.
I know someone who is a Deny, Allow kind of person, who is kind of mean to everyone, until they decide for some reason that you're all right. I think most people are more Allow, Deny. You let people in somewhat, you extend the metaphorical hand of friendship, and when that person fucks it up in some way, you take that hand back before they can slap it again. I've never been good at that. I always feel bad, like I don't deserve to take my hand back, so it just keeps getting pummeled while I smile at the person doing the pummeling.
So I guess what I have figured out, but only really had cause to think about in a clear way today, was that I choose to be Allow, Deny, and there's inherent risk there, but if you remember it's a risk and adjust your behavior accordingly, the world has a lot of potential for all kinds of connections. If you remember that you're not responsible for other peoples' behavior, the risk is minimized even more. You just take it for what it is and move forward, smarter about how to deal with that particular person.
All I can think about with this is the GRE, oddly enough. The first questions on the GRE count the most. They give you a middle of the road question, and if you get it wrong, they bracket you and ask you a question in the lower range. Each question or couple of questions is more and more specifically targeted until they can pinpoint your final score. Plus: scores are supposedly more specific and a better indicator of skill. Minus: the first questions when you're nervous count more. Maybe making human connections is more like that than we realize. The first couple interactions matter a lot - they bracket you. Then with each interaction, you learn more about where that friendship leads. But just because you get some questions wrong, that doesn't mean the test is over, but unless you want to keep slipping, you gotta get the next ones right.
But here's the thing. The single best thing you can do for yourself is remember that bad behavior is the responsibility of the person who did it. It's not my fault these people did what they did, it's theirs. Now if I let them do it again, then I get to blame me. But not until then.
Which leads to the other reason you might self-blame for someone else being a jerk. There's this sense that people need to be on their guard and protect themselves and if someone hurts you, it's because you made this mistake in trusting them not to. I think on some level that's true. That's why you don't get into the car with strangers - it's unlikely they'd kill you, but the consequence if they do is pretty high. Probably you shouldn't fall in love with a stranger for the same reason. I've had some broken hearts that have felt like death. But are the risks of extending friendship as high? I hope not.
I know someone who is a Deny, Allow kind of person, who is kind of mean to everyone, until they decide for some reason that you're all right. I think most people are more Allow, Deny. You let people in somewhat, you extend the metaphorical hand of friendship, and when that person fucks it up in some way, you take that hand back before they can slap it again. I've never been good at that. I always feel bad, like I don't deserve to take my hand back, so it just keeps getting pummeled while I smile at the person doing the pummeling.
So I guess what I have figured out, but only really had cause to think about in a clear way today, was that I choose to be Allow, Deny, and there's inherent risk there, but if you remember it's a risk and adjust your behavior accordingly, the world has a lot of potential for all kinds of connections. If you remember that you're not responsible for other peoples' behavior, the risk is minimized even more. You just take it for what it is and move forward, smarter about how to deal with that particular person.
All I can think about with this is the GRE, oddly enough. The first questions on the GRE count the most. They give you a middle of the road question, and if you get it wrong, they bracket you and ask you a question in the lower range. Each question or couple of questions is more and more specifically targeted until they can pinpoint your final score. Plus: scores are supposedly more specific and a better indicator of skill. Minus: the first questions when you're nervous count more. Maybe making human connections is more like that than we realize. The first couple interactions matter a lot - they bracket you. Then with each interaction, you learn more about where that friendship leads. But just because you get some questions wrong, that doesn't mean the test is over, but unless you want to keep slipping, you gotta get the next ones right.
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