I used to cry a lot, like a really really lot. For large periods of my life, I cried at least once a day. I'm not going to get into specifics about what times of my life were the "worst" since what was going on in my life wasn't responsible for the tears. It was like I was a cup that was full of water and any little thing would just make me overflow, and the only way I knew to deal with things was to cry. Difficult conversations with people would start the waterworks, and I'd keep talking, since I thought that was just my reaction to any kind of emotional stress and just try to convince whoever I was talking to that that particular conversation wasn't responsible. And I was right. I wasn't crying about that little conversation, I was crying about all of it. It took a divorce (accepting that I could be imperfect and still loved), Nicaragua (learning that I could make things happen when I really wanted), and my mom's death (finally dealing with many, many things) to stop the tears in a mostly permanent way. I like my life, and I have enough emotional reserves that when something stressful happens, my tea cup is nowhere near to overflowing.
I still cry, obviously, when things are really terrible. I also cry at the holidays. I cry because my dad is unhappy. I cry because my sister is unhappy and spreads that around to everyone else. I cry because I miss my mom, although she was always unhappy, too. I cry because sometimes the world is an awful, ugly place and some people are luckier than others, and I somehow manage to be one of the lucky ones and one of the unlucky ones at the same time, and all the things I'm unlucky about I can't control and that makes me feel helpless and angry. I cry because you can't control other people and that makes me angry because you see other people making mistakes and there's nothing you can do about it. This picking your battles bullshit is just that sometimes, bullshit. And hiding your head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist isn't an option because that would make you a bad aunt and a bad sister and a bad daughter and I don't want to be a bad anything. Sometimes I hate everything, and there's nothing to do but cry about it.
Now, 2011. I can't do anything about this crap, but there are many things I do have control over. I don't like resolutions, but I like to give years a title and then try to live up to them. I did okay with this past year, and now I have a title for 2011. 2011: Year in Which I Do Not Discuss My Love Life. It might sound stupid, but I think if people talk about things, it allows them to fixate on those topics. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to fixate on it. I want to think about other stuff, like climbing mountains, knitting my first sweater, finally learning to play the guitar, publishing my first 1st-author paper, and finding a place in Charlottesville to go salsa dancing.
So today sucks, I'mma cry about it, and then I'm going to make some additional awesome positive changes.
I still cry, obviously, when things are really terrible. I also cry at the holidays. I cry because my dad is unhappy. I cry because my sister is unhappy and spreads that around to everyone else. I cry because I miss my mom, although she was always unhappy, too. I cry because sometimes the world is an awful, ugly place and some people are luckier than others, and I somehow manage to be one of the lucky ones and one of the unlucky ones at the same time, and all the things I'm unlucky about I can't control and that makes me feel helpless and angry. I cry because you can't control other people and that makes me angry because you see other people making mistakes and there's nothing you can do about it. This picking your battles bullshit is just that sometimes, bullshit. And hiding your head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist isn't an option because that would make you a bad aunt and a bad sister and a bad daughter and I don't want to be a bad anything. Sometimes I hate everything, and there's nothing to do but cry about it.
Now, 2011. I can't do anything about this crap, but there are many things I do have control over. I don't like resolutions, but I like to give years a title and then try to live up to them. I did okay with this past year, and now I have a title for 2011. 2011: Year in Which I Do Not Discuss My Love Life. It might sound stupid, but I think if people talk about things, it allows them to fixate on those topics. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to fixate on it. I want to think about other stuff, like climbing mountains, knitting my first sweater, finally learning to play the guitar, publishing my first 1st-author paper, and finding a place in Charlottesville to go salsa dancing.
So today sucks, I'mma cry about it, and then I'm going to make some additional awesome positive changes.
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