My awareness of pop culture has clearly fallen off because I heard "Love the Way You Lie" for the first time on Friday (thank you Jimmy Fallon), and I really liked it. Then another friend posted the video and I loved that, too. Before Googling, and getting the answer from the internet, I thought about watching Rihanna & Eminem singing a song about a violent relationship, and well, I have thoughts.
Before these thoughts, a disclaimer: I've never been in a physically violent relationship. I watched my parents, whose relationship was emotionally violent and on rare occasions physically violent. I would characterize our childhood home as emotionally abusive, both to adults and us kids. As an adult, I've been in one relationship that was extremely passionate, both in good times and bad. It was the kind of relationship I could imagine easily devolving, and it scared me. When I watched this video, that's the relationship I thought of. So I don't know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I don't know what it's like to go from that to watching this video. I can only speak for me.
Now, returning to my relationship experience, it leads me to make a distinction between what I perceive as two different types of abusive relationships. There are relationships that devolved, but where both partners are violent. The desire to inflict violence upon one's partner is wrong, regardless of direction (male --> female or female --> male). Based on what I've read about this video, some people believe that the woman is always the victim, and I won't deny that when there is relationship violence, and a woman gets hurt, she's a victim, automatically, hands down, no argument. The connotation however, is that the man in these situations cannot be a victim as well. I disagree. When you watch the video, imagine the roles reversed. Her violence is less extreme than his (I'll get back to that in a minute), but no more acceptable because of that. The partners here appear to be locked in a cycle of mutual violence. Returning to the imbalance in their violence, that's a consequence of the inherent physical differences between male and female. When a man punches a wall, or hits someone, or shoves someone, it is by default more violent. The urges aren't inherently different, but the outcome is. The woman becomes the victim, regardless of how the violence begins. The kind of passion that begets this kind of violence is attractive. It's exciting and thrilling, to both partners, until it goes too far. That's the kind of relationship I think was being depicted here.
The other type of violent relationship is one where the pathological goal of the abuser is to control their partner by whatever means necessary, regardless of whether or not the other person has the same desire.
I want to say, clearly and strongly, that the fact that I think the violence begins differently in these two types of relationships DOES NOT IN ANY WAY EXCUSE THE VIOLENCE. I am NOT victim blaming. In the first situation, a woman does not deserve to be abused just because she chose to be in the relationship in the first place. Choosing passion is not the same as choosing violence. It's just not, and I think that's where my real problem with this whole situation lies - in our complete inability to deal with 2 facts that we think are contradictory. Either she chose, or she's a victim.
People have such a problem with Rihanna singing this song, and I just feel like people need to get off her damned back. Why can't we accept nuance? Why must we say that if a woman chooses a relationship that turns bad, she chose a bad relationship? No, she didn't. So much of what I read is either, "She made her bed, let her lie in it" or "The woman is the VICTIM and she's helpless and didn't know what she was doing with herself." I hate that those are our only two choices. Women can have agency and still be victimized. A woman can choose to be in a relationship, a good one or a bad one, and at some point that choice can be taken away from her, either physically or psychologically. Both things can be true simultaneously. We don't know what happened to Rihanna, or what Eminem did to whoever. We know what made the headlines, and how she chooses to deal with it is her business. She can be a victim, and still decide to make this video.
I see really terrible parallels here with the kind of reactions people have to rape victims. The only way we can seem to "accept" rape is if the woman is "perfect" and "innocent" and "virtuous." God forbid she was out drinking, or was wearing provocative clothing, or walking alone, or doing anything else that we can possibly use to excuse what happened to her. Women can make those choices without wanting some asshole to rape them. Wearing a skirt is not an invitation to rape, and nothing a woman does is ever an excuse for domestic violence. I loathe these black and white viewpoints, and I think they are actually really counterproductive. Just because a situation isn't black and white, that doesn't mean there's no right and wrong. We need to be able to see a situation accurately, give women their due, and still offer them our protection when they need it.
Before these thoughts, a disclaimer: I've never been in a physically violent relationship. I watched my parents, whose relationship was emotionally violent and on rare occasions physically violent. I would characterize our childhood home as emotionally abusive, both to adults and us kids. As an adult, I've been in one relationship that was extremely passionate, both in good times and bad. It was the kind of relationship I could imagine easily devolving, and it scared me. When I watched this video, that's the relationship I thought of. So I don't know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I don't know what it's like to go from that to watching this video. I can only speak for me.
Now, returning to my relationship experience, it leads me to make a distinction between what I perceive as two different types of abusive relationships. There are relationships that devolved, but where both partners are violent. The desire to inflict violence upon one's partner is wrong, regardless of direction (male --> female or female --> male). Based on what I've read about this video, some people believe that the woman is always the victim, and I won't deny that when there is relationship violence, and a woman gets hurt, she's a victim, automatically, hands down, no argument. The connotation however, is that the man in these situations cannot be a victim as well. I disagree. When you watch the video, imagine the roles reversed. Her violence is less extreme than his (I'll get back to that in a minute), but no more acceptable because of that. The partners here appear to be locked in a cycle of mutual violence. Returning to the imbalance in their violence, that's a consequence of the inherent physical differences between male and female. When a man punches a wall, or hits someone, or shoves someone, it is by default more violent. The urges aren't inherently different, but the outcome is. The woman becomes the victim, regardless of how the violence begins. The kind of passion that begets this kind of violence is attractive. It's exciting and thrilling, to both partners, until it goes too far. That's the kind of relationship I think was being depicted here.
The other type of violent relationship is one where the pathological goal of the abuser is to control their partner by whatever means necessary, regardless of whether or not the other person has the same desire.
I want to say, clearly and strongly, that the fact that I think the violence begins differently in these two types of relationships DOES NOT IN ANY WAY EXCUSE THE VIOLENCE. I am NOT victim blaming. In the first situation, a woman does not deserve to be abused just because she chose to be in the relationship in the first place. Choosing passion is not the same as choosing violence. It's just not, and I think that's where my real problem with this whole situation lies - in our complete inability to deal with 2 facts that we think are contradictory. Either she chose, or she's a victim.
People have such a problem with Rihanna singing this song, and I just feel like people need to get off her damned back. Why can't we accept nuance? Why must we say that if a woman chooses a relationship that turns bad, she chose a bad relationship? No, she didn't. So much of what I read is either, "She made her bed, let her lie in it" or "The woman is the VICTIM and she's helpless and didn't know what she was doing with herself." I hate that those are our only two choices. Women can have agency and still be victimized. A woman can choose to be in a relationship, a good one or a bad one, and at some point that choice can be taken away from her, either physically or psychologically. Both things can be true simultaneously. We don't know what happened to Rihanna, or what Eminem did to whoever. We know what made the headlines, and how she chooses to deal with it is her business. She can be a victim, and still decide to make this video.
I see really terrible parallels here with the kind of reactions people have to rape victims. The only way we can seem to "accept" rape is if the woman is "perfect" and "innocent" and "virtuous." God forbid she was out drinking, or was wearing provocative clothing, or walking alone, or doing anything else that we can possibly use to excuse what happened to her. Women can make those choices without wanting some asshole to rape them. Wearing a skirt is not an invitation to rape, and nothing a woman does is ever an excuse for domestic violence. I loathe these black and white viewpoints, and I think they are actually really counterproductive. Just because a situation isn't black and white, that doesn't mean there's no right and wrong. We need to be able to see a situation accurately, give women their due, and still offer them our protection when they need it.
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