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Metacognitive me.

I'm having an emotionally strange day in which I feel like there are two very distinct versions of me.  First, there's the me that's feeling uncaccountably sad. 

Contributing factors: 
   I'm single.  I maybe could go out with someone, but I'm not emotionally ready to do that and even if I was, I don't think this person would be a good fit for me.  I refuse to date or fall in love with anyone else who isn't good enough for me, or just plain isn't good to me.  I foresee being single for a while.  Even people with convictions get lonely. 
   I recently hung out with the person who I could probably date.  I've tried to be clear about that not happening, but I worry that it's not, so I'm a little uncomfortable all the time, and instead of it being a good time, it just makes me sad because I know this person is lonely too, and I don't want to contribute to that. 
   A friend from middle school just posted all these pictures from her honeymoon, and I'm so happy for her.  I am also jealous.  Her husband looks like Christopher Gorham and they take amazing photographs together and apart, and mostly they are just laughing a lot, and I want someone to laugh with.  In order to laugh, you have to be comfortable, safe, and happy.  In another's company.  In their love. 
   I miss a thing I used to have that didn't work out and might not have anyway.  I still miss it.

I feel nostalgic for something I've never had, and how do you deal with that?  How do you deal with wanting something that you have very little control over? 


So there's that me - the one feeling all that.  And then there's the second me, the one who is watching the first me feel all that and thinking, "What in the world is wrong with you??"  Because my life is pretty damned good just now.  I like my job (!!).  I'm making friends and have friends in the center already.  Charlottesville is growing on me a little, and I'm getting involved with things here.  I love my house.  I'm doing everything I can to get my finances in order.  My ducks are in a very happy row.  So second me is looking at first me, thinking, "Cheer up, sad panda!" and wondering why all the good things can't keep me from feeling sad.

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