Land of Lakes and Volcanoes

Nursing homes are terrifying places. Don’t lie, you feel that way too. When I came to check out the place that we put my dad into today, there was a one legged man asleep in a wheelchair in the lobby, and a woman in what looked like an overgrown baby walker pacing back and forth in the lobby. Maybe I’m a bad person, but I was horrified. And I’m self-aware enough to know that it wasn’t them that made me feel that way because if someone younger with all of their limbs had been asleep in a chair in a lobby, I wouldn’t have cared. If I had seen a 45 year old woman pacing, I just would have thought she was impatient. It’s their age and infirmity that fills me with fear. It’s my ability to empathize, or rather perhaps to project my own fears onto other people. Nursing homes are terrifying because they force us to think about something we ignore on a daily basis: that one day we will be old, that something bad will probably happen to us, that we’ll get sick, that we might very well end ...

I don't normally remember my dreams, but it occasionally happens. Usually when it's something scary or it happens right before I wake up in the morning. I'm not sure how to classify the doozy from today. In my dream, my mom was still alive. She was already sick and in a wheelchair, and for some reason we were staying in Olivier's parents' house. There was an incident with a nurse, but the big thing in the dream was that I was supposed to go on some trip to French Canada (except in my dream I kept thinking Canadia) that I had booked a long time ago when I wanted to learn French. I had already paid for the plane ticket ($530), but now I was trying to decide if I wanted to go or if I wanted to stay and spend time with my mom. I decided to stay with her, but I kept kicking myself for not getting travel insurance. I obviously think I made a good decision in the dream, but I wonder why I'm dreaming that now. Also, when I woke up, I felt sad and disappointed tha...

I’ve been a complete pain in the ass lately. I can admit it, and I’m not really sorry about it either. I’m going through something profound right now. Someone used that word last night to describe my predicament, and it was pretty validating. It’s okay if I’m crazy right now – crazy things are happening! More specifically: I doubt if anyone who reads this blog doesn’t already know about what’s up with my dad, but just in case… He had a massive stroke almost a month ago, and he’s in a rehab hospital in Walterboro right now. He has some spontaneous speech, but most of what he says is nonsense. He understands most of what we say, but it has to be explained multiple times if it’s something hard to do or that involves a lot of details or steps. His entire right side is paralyzed. His recovery progress has been slow, which is frustrating. He’s also only 58. My mom died last year when she was barely 54. I’m 28, and it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders. I think I’d be h...