Money complicates everything, even death. Clearly not for the departed, but for the ones left behind. Most of you know that my mom died in November, and that is obviously hard, and the last thing we want to think about is money. The realities of life don't allow for that, and it's a mixed bag - fighting with insurance companies about both health and life insurance benefits, cutting through the red tape of military and social security benefits, trying to make sense of an unexpected windfall, and gracefully accepting the generosity of others. The first two are pretty familiar hassles, and I won't go into them, but the second two are proving more difficult to deal with emotionally - I think just because they weren't anticipated. Specifically the last one has left me making some tough decisions.
My family isn't in a good financial situation, and people know that having a loved one in the hospital and then ill for a long time is expensive, not to mention the funeral expenses. Friends and family have responded with unexpected generosity. It's appreciated, but it's hard to know how to feel about it. I recently opened a card that some of my friends put together and I was literally speechless. I can think of about 15 different uses for the money that was in that card, but it's hard not to feel guilty about getting money upon the death of a loved one.
You think Well, I didn't ask for it, but you know you didn't do anything to deserve this money. Everybody's mom dies, so why did people give me this? Is it because she was so young, because I'm young to lose my mom, so people think this situation is especially hard? You need it, but you don't deserve it, and it feels wrong to get it because of an event that you would give anything in the world to change. Have I said things that led people to believe that our financial problems are worse than they are? I don't presume to know other people's situations, but I know that none of the people whose names are on that card have money to throw around. And I know that some of our financial hardship is due to my mom's situation, but some of it is due to bad decisions that had nothing to do with her death.
What do you do with it? How do you learn to say thank you without feeling like you're taking advantage of something tragic? How do you use the money so that you don't feel like people's generosity was misplaced?
I think I've decided to hold onto it, to put it aside until some use becomes obvious - some expense that my family hasn't anticipated or some opportunity my mother would have encouraged me to take advantage of.
And to anyone who was part of the card effort, or wrote me a note, or gave me a hug, or anything else that's helped me get by so far - thank you. I miss her every single day, so I'm sure I'll need a lot more support, but the help people have given us so far is the only reason we've made it.
My family isn't in a good financial situation, and people know that having a loved one in the hospital and then ill for a long time is expensive, not to mention the funeral expenses. Friends and family have responded with unexpected generosity. It's appreciated, but it's hard to know how to feel about it. I recently opened a card that some of my friends put together and I was literally speechless. I can think of about 15 different uses for the money that was in that card, but it's hard not to feel guilty about getting money upon the death of a loved one.
You think Well, I didn't ask for it, but you know you didn't do anything to deserve this money. Everybody's mom dies, so why did people give me this? Is it because she was so young, because I'm young to lose my mom, so people think this situation is especially hard? You need it, but you don't deserve it, and it feels wrong to get it because of an event that you would give anything in the world to change. Have I said things that led people to believe that our financial problems are worse than they are? I don't presume to know other people's situations, but I know that none of the people whose names are on that card have money to throw around. And I know that some of our financial hardship is due to my mom's situation, but some of it is due to bad decisions that had nothing to do with her death.
What do you do with it? How do you learn to say thank you without feeling like you're taking advantage of something tragic? How do you use the money so that you don't feel like people's generosity was misplaced?
I think I've decided to hold onto it, to put it aside until some use becomes obvious - some expense that my family hasn't anticipated or some opportunity my mother would have encouraged me to take advantage of.
And to anyone who was part of the card effort, or wrote me a note, or gave me a hug, or anything else that's helped me get by so far - thank you. I miss her every single day, so I'm sure I'll need a lot more support, but the help people have given us so far is the only reason we've made it.
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