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Depression is my superpower

I'm depressed. Not acutely. Not newly.

I feel like an addict. I won't ever be not depressed; I just live with it. It's my superpower - the ability to detect the pathos in any situation.

As I've learned to live with being depressed, I have begun to think of it just that way. I feel like the Hulk in The Avengers.  His secret is that he's angry all the time, and in the same way, I'm always sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad.

I don't think depression is what gets you though. I think it's feeling dissatisfied with feeling depressed.  It's the wanting to feel better. It's wanting to leave your little rain cloud behind for a day. So a few years ago, I decided to try accepting it, to try to see the sun while the rain is falling.

I'm a stronger person for it, unfazed by things that distress others. I'm working at the hospital these days, and hospitals are difficult, hard places. People are damaged and dying, hurt and suffering and often frightened. And it's fine. Those are the things I see when I look at everyone - their smiles usually covering the inevitable tragedies of life. When those truths are exposed and immediate, it feels like a kind of honesty. There is honor in witnessing those truths, leaning in, and helping how you can. I feel at home in a place where everyone is suffering.

I don't know if that's normal, but what's normal anyway? It's like my whole life has been preparing me to feel the kind of empathy that will help me do my job well.

I don't have any grand conclusions about this just yet, nothing spectacularly smart to say. But the utility of depression, the need to do good so that you can see good, has been on my mind lately.  It's what gets me out of bed when my own personal struggles seem too hard that day.  I'm not dying, not today. So I choose to think about someone else, to use my power for good, to get up and do my best.

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