I met my new therapist last week. I test drove a few, and she was the one that stuck. She seems like she's not going to let me get by with any bullshit, and she said a couple of things that zinged me in our very first meeting. That was unexpected, delightful, and now, with time to think about it, terrifying.
I've been doing so much soul searching lately, so much careful consideration of my life and where I am - you'd think I'd be finding myself, but instead I feel so completely lost. A few reasons:
1. I sabotage relationships in a really predictable way. I had always thought of this behavior in one way, but with one sentence, this woman last week made me question everything I thought about that. It's good to question it; it's what I wanted, but to be confronted so quickly by something that I had never considered is frightening. I've spent so much time trying to figure this stuff out, and it turns out that I've been so completely wrong about some things.
2. The above realization has in turn led me to realize that a lot of the things I thought I was afraid of are, in fact, not the things I was afraid of. A good friend advised me this evening that this could be a positive thing because it means that if I can identify the real root of my fears, maybe I can address them. Right, but the reason you cover up stuff like this from yourself is because it's scary and hard to deal with.
I realized that while I'm afraid of other people hurting me and so I push them away, a big part of the sabotage is me trying to save the relationship from myself. I just know I'm going to screw it up, or create a situation that's just like my family's situation. They hurt each other so consistently, and if that's the only example I have, how can I help but do the same thing? What if I can't overcome all the familial programming? What if I yell at my kids and spouse, and have no patience, and take the people I love for granted, and end up depressed and alone? So I ruin it before it gets that far.
3. So all this sounds great right? Figuring out what the problem(s) is / are can only help. When we made my next appointment, I said, okay, what happens next? Dr. U and I discussed it, and next time we're supposed to talk about goals - goals for my therapy and goals for myself. And I have no idea. I know I want to learn how to be in a relationship that's not like the kind of relationships my family built / builds. But that gives me an impetus to move and change, not a direction to head in. I have no idea what me in a functional relationship looks like. Hell, I don't really know what a functional relationship looks like. How can I get somewhere if I don't know where I'm going? And other goals - non-relationship goals? I'd really like to deprioritize some of this relationship & family stuff and figure out where I'm headed, what I want to be doing with my life. And that seems pretty gray as well.
I understand that this is a process, and that I'm in a good place really. I have the luxury of being lost for a while. I have time to figure this stuff out, and options to explore once I get some direction already. And the fact that I feel so incredibly lost and adrift means that I'm taking nothing for granted. There are no assumptions - I'm ready to question everything. My hope is that I will come through this even stronger, with a better sense of myself, and that that version of me can get out there and get some things done and maybe fall in love along the way. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a temporary state, and that no one ever died from the panic of not knowing which end is up. I will find myself again.
I've been doing so much soul searching lately, so much careful consideration of my life and where I am - you'd think I'd be finding myself, but instead I feel so completely lost. A few reasons:
1. I sabotage relationships in a really predictable way. I had always thought of this behavior in one way, but with one sentence, this woman last week made me question everything I thought about that. It's good to question it; it's what I wanted, but to be confronted so quickly by something that I had never considered is frightening. I've spent so much time trying to figure this stuff out, and it turns out that I've been so completely wrong about some things.
2. The above realization has in turn led me to realize that a lot of the things I thought I was afraid of are, in fact, not the things I was afraid of. A good friend advised me this evening that this could be a positive thing because it means that if I can identify the real root of my fears, maybe I can address them. Right, but the reason you cover up stuff like this from yourself is because it's scary and hard to deal with.
I realized that while I'm afraid of other people hurting me and so I push them away, a big part of the sabotage is me trying to save the relationship from myself. I just know I'm going to screw it up, or create a situation that's just like my family's situation. They hurt each other so consistently, and if that's the only example I have, how can I help but do the same thing? What if I can't overcome all the familial programming? What if I yell at my kids and spouse, and have no patience, and take the people I love for granted, and end up depressed and alone? So I ruin it before it gets that far.
3. So all this sounds great right? Figuring out what the problem(s) is / are can only help. When we made my next appointment, I said, okay, what happens next? Dr. U and I discussed it, and next time we're supposed to talk about goals - goals for my therapy and goals for myself. And I have no idea. I know I want to learn how to be in a relationship that's not like the kind of relationships my family built / builds. But that gives me an impetus to move and change, not a direction to head in. I have no idea what me in a functional relationship looks like. Hell, I don't really know what a functional relationship looks like. How can I get somewhere if I don't know where I'm going? And other goals - non-relationship goals? I'd really like to deprioritize some of this relationship & family stuff and figure out where I'm headed, what I want to be doing with my life. And that seems pretty gray as well.
I understand that this is a process, and that I'm in a good place really. I have the luxury of being lost for a while. I have time to figure this stuff out, and options to explore once I get some direction already. And the fact that I feel so incredibly lost and adrift means that I'm taking nothing for granted. There are no assumptions - I'm ready to question everything. My hope is that I will come through this even stronger, with a better sense of myself, and that that version of me can get out there and get some things done and maybe fall in love along the way. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a temporary state, and that no one ever died from the panic of not knowing which end is up. I will find myself again.
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Miss you.